Lesson #20: Romance

Dear Baby,
Today is Valentine's Day. It's a national holiday wherein we celebrate love. In 2010 and during pretty much my whole life this has been a pretty commercialized holiday. Another way for "the man" to get us to spend money on chocolate and flowers and lingerie. At this moment, I have been with your dad for almost 17 years. The last boy I made out with that wasn't your father (yes, there were boys before your father--all during college, at your father's request cause he wanted to "see other people" a story for another day, althought I get the feeling that I will tell this story often as a cautionary tale. More on that in a later post) was in 1997. 13 years ago. What?!? I don't feel that old, baby. I don't feel like it's been that long since I was out in the world wondering who would love me forever. But alas, 1997 was the last first kiss that your mother had. I knew that it wouldn't last. I knew that everything in my being wanted to be with your dad but at that moment I didn't know if he wanted that. In the end he wisely decided on me. But we live a lot of our lives hoping and not knowing. And I'm not just speaking about matters of the heart. Luckily, for me, it worked out.

But, yes, your father decided on me. He proposed in 2000 and in 2001 we married. You dad isn't big on gifts. Who knows what your experience with this will be. For all I know he may spoil you. So far that has been the case. But during our courtship he was not big on gifts. At first, I must admit, that this threw me. Then he explained that he didn't feel that gifts were an accurate measure of a relationship. We knew several couples who spent a fortune on each other yet had horrible communication skills or were just not great together. Your father explained that he felt it more important to be good to each other all of the time. That kindness and mutal respect was the biggest gift we could give each other. And I found this to be a pretty compelling arguement. We should love and respect each other every day...not just on the national day celebrating love.

Now, I don't know if this was just his frugal side brilliantly coercing me to buy this concept so that he would never need to buy me a gift. If it was then your father is a bigger genius that I ever thought and he was, and, once again, he gains my eternal respect for being a badass. (You should know that, for some reason, being a badass is the only time that being an "ass" is a good thing.) But I bought it. This idea of his. And over the years instead of buying each other gifts we would write poems or make meals and it is something that became not only commonplace in our home but something that I respected and took pride in. At this point, I have had many friends divorce or part from relationships where the gifts far overshadowed the strength of the relationship. Your fathers words are ones that I admired.

So, years and over a decade into our relationship, if I want flowers I buy them myself. If I desire something new or silly or frivilous, I work hard and buy it myself. Then, suddenly, at Christmas this year your father displayed an odd and almost sad attitude at the idea that he couldn't buy me a gift if he tried (He never tried, by the way...) because if I want something I buy it for myself. Now, as a woman with a deep desire to "provide" for herself, this has become an issue of pride and great self worth. I work hard, baby. You must know this. And because momma works hard she can afford things. I thought that this would delight your father, especially since this was, in many ways, something that he set in motion. But recently he has displayed a desire for this to change. And, this has moved me in a way I didn't expect.

Now you need to understand that in this moment, Valentine's Day 2010, your father and I are very much in love still. I hope this is always the case and see no reason why this would change. But I suppose you never know what life will bring, baby. So, even though we are busy your daddy and I are good. Sure, we've gained some weight. Sure, we don't get to go on as many dates as before. Sure, being new parents has taken a toll on the romance. But we are, still, good. So, imagine my surprise when yesterday afternoon he says he needs to go on a "secret" errand with you. It's an errand that is clearly one in which he will purchase me a Valentine's gift. A Valentine's Day gift that I had long thought would never come--and was quite comfortable in that fact. And yet, when he left the house with you, he had this look in his eye, this smile on his face that made me--soft. When you both left I cried and then immediately laughed that I had tears in my eyes. Because it occured to me that it took over a decade to finally get the V-day gift from your father that I always wanted. Now, I don't know what it is. I haven't gotten it yet. Flowers? Chocolate? A card? It doesn't matter. What matters is that there are still surprises. After years and years there are still moments when the person that you love will do something that will make you love t.hem more. They will do the unexpected. And that is lasting romance, baby.

Happy Valentine's Day.
xo, Mommy